Let me rewind back to mid-summer.
Our daughter’s 1st birthday came and went.
Our 6th wedding anniversary came and went.
Shortly after, we were surprised and very excited to find out we were expecting baby # 3, due end of March 2016!
We wanted to keep the news to ourselves for as long as possible. I suppose the true reason was because we just did not want to hear any comments about how it wasn’t the proper amount of space in between. And life with just littles is overwhelming a lot of times..people would surely think we were insane for adding another already!
I was falling for the devil’s lies the moment we learned of the pregnancy.
So much so that we dreaded making an announcement of this baby on the way!
Time went on and I was experiencing the usual first trimester queasiness and exhaustion. Let me tell ya, it is difficult hiding the first trimester exhaustion!
We decided on a midwife and made plans for a first appointment.
Fast forward to the day of the appointment. Our midwife arrived and we chatted and laughed and chatted and chatted. That is the wonderful thing about a homebirth midwife, you can make appointments last for almost 2 hours and not want them to end!
Anyway, I eagerly hopped to the couch and awaited to have that Doppler put on my belly to hear our little one’s heartbeat. I was 11 weeks by this point. She reminded me that there was a chance that we would not find the heart beat since baby is still so little and can hide easily.
She rubbed the probe all over my belly. Here, there, everywhere. This baby was good at hiding. We could not hear that heartbeat. I tried not to let worry seep in. After all, it took more than 5 minutes to find Aria’s heartbeat for the first time. We also suspected I could be a week behind what I was.
We made plans for another appointment in the next couple weeks. “2 weeks cannot come soon enough,” I kept thinking.
Here is where the rollercoaster peaks and starts to make its way down a long, steep hill.
The next morning I woke to find I was spotting. I did not have any kind of spotting with my first two, so I was alarmed. But it also was a tiny amount, so I stayed calm. I got in touch with my midwife and she eased my mind when she said spotting can be normal and many women experience it, but we will monitor it.
Monday it increased. Tuesday it increased a little more. I did feel fine physically, but we made an appointment to get an ultrasound to see if there was anything going on.
Rob, without a doubt, felt everything was perfectly fine. That eased my mind again. I was preparing for the worst but kept telling myself that we would soon see our baby and it’s heartbeat!
Wednesday we made the drive a little north to an imaging place. We walked in and were surprised to see how home-y the environment was! We waited for another couple’s appointment to end. Congratulations from the tech were made to the couple who just found out the sex of their baby. They joyfully walked through the waiting area and out the door.
“I cannot wait to know everything is ok with our baby so we can joyfully walk out, too.”
Back in the imaging room I anxiously awaited for the ultrasound to start. The tech told me she would explain everything she was looking at throughout the whole ultrasound.
She was silent after the image popped up.
You-could-have-heard-a-pin-drop kind of silence.
She was taking so many measurements of what looked like nothing.
I knew. I knew something was wrong even though I did not want to believe my gut.
She asked me if I was sure my dates were correct. I told her yes, but there was a chance I could be a week behind.
All you mamas who have learned of a loss via ultrasound know how the rest goes without needing the rest of the details.
She wouldn’t come outright and say there was no heartbeat, no growing baby. I heard her trying to be encouraging with a few “maybe this,” “maybe that” and then an added “but if not, then it is an early failed pregnancy.”
“As soon as the radiologist reads this I’ll contact your midwife right away.”
“Ok, miss tech lady. But I already know what you’re not sharing with me. My baby is gone,” I told myself.
I really cannot even put into words the emotions Rob and I were feeling in that room. I could not let go of the tiniest speck of hope I was holding onto that everything was all well.
On the way home my midwife called me. At first it was like she was giving me hope that, possibly, it WAS well. But then I knew she was trying to tell me most likely not. Then I heard two words roll off her tongue..
That is what had happened.
After conception and after implantation of that little life into my womb, that little life stopped growing and ended shortly after.
My body went on to think there was still life growing inside of me, so the pregnancy hormones continued to increase, the placenta continued to grow, and my belly was starting to protrude. I don’t know why it took my body several weeks to miscarriage naturally, but I am forever grateful I did not know beforehand.
Thanks be to our Gracious God that the miscarriage took place that very night, in the middle of the night. I don’t think I could have waited several days for my body to do its thing knowing the sweet life inside me was gone.
Tears, sorrow and heartache. Alone in the middle of the night. I didn’t want to wake Rob when the mini labor took place.
But God was so merciful to me during the most sorrowful hour+ of my life and during the next few days while immediate family was several hundred miles away on vacation.
I do not know why, but it was in our God’s sovereign will to take that little life from the beginning. But it was not so easy to believe that in the beginning.
Grief overpowered the trust I had in the Lord in those first few days following the miscarriage. Then the Lord used a dear and close friend of mine to share with me a book she was reading and how it was blessing her heart.
Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges.
God’s timing is wonderful. He is so merciful. He does not forget about us or forsake us. Ever.
Once that book arrived I dove right into it. It has been growing me and challenging me every time I pick it up.
See, I was completely blind-sided with the news of losing that life inside of me. It was a slap in the face to me.
But not to God.
Nothing slips through His fingers.
He is Sovereign over all.
He is Omniscient.
And He still cares deeply for His children when they are grieving any kind of loss. He still cares for us when life hurts. He is still so gracious and merciful.
When life hurts He is not forsaking us, He is growing us. He is stripping us of our earthly mentality and clothing us with a heavenly one.
The Lord gives. The Lord takes away. My heart hurts, but I am humbled. Blessed be His name.
After the loss we prayed for another child. We knew if the Lord willed it, then He would bless us in His timing.
We promised Him that if/when He blesses us again we would not dread announcing the news of life that HE gave. We promised we would not keep secret what came from HIM.
Another Baby Jurosco is en route!
Our rainbow baby is due to arrive July 2016 (Lord willing)!
While this baby can never replace the one we lost, this new life is helping seal over the wound in our hearts. And we still VERY much look forward to seeing the little life awaiting us in heaven!
We have been praying over this baby from the moment we learned of its presence. We still have some fears. Some anxiety has seeped in. But we are remaining positive.
Will you please be praying for this new life God has given us? Please pray for a growing, well-nourished and healthy baby.
Will you please be praying for us? Please pray that we trust God to put our minds to ease. Please pray that we have patience as we wait to see how our little one is doing via ultrasound.
**Update** We had an ultrasound on December 5th and got to see a growing baby with a heartbeat (182!)! Praise God! We could not stop grinning from ear to ear.
I get paranoid from time to time, but we know God is in control and has His hand upon us.
We are ever so grateful that He DOES give again!
Great is Thy faithfulness. His mercies sure are new every morning!